How to Support a Grieving Child
Our community has recently experienced very sudden and tragic losses that have left many families in shock and grieving. I’ve been contacted by many parents wondering how to best help their child through the grieving process. Parents often urgently call me requesting help as they feel their child’s pain so deeply, but don’t know where to start.
Grief is one of the many challenges that we treat at Counseling Unconditionally and while each child grieves differently, there are some core principles that can help guide you through this process. I am hopeful that these tips will provide a framework for you to feel more confident in your parenting during this difficult time.
When your family is faced with a significant loss, here are seven ways to support your child through grief.
1. Share Information According to Your Child’s Developmental Level
Children process information and experiences differently depending on their age, personality, and maturity. Regardless of your child’s age, it is advised to use clear and simple language. For example, rather than saying your loved one “went to sleep” or “passed away”, it’s best to simply say that they “died” so that children don’t feel confused when receiving this already difficult information. It’s better to give age-appropriate truth than to leave children guessing, which often creates more fear and uncertainty.
While young children may ask concrete questions, such as how their loved one died, older children and teens may have more abstract questions about fairness, the meaning of life, and morality. It’s understandable that you won’t have the “right” answers to these questions. I encourage you to try to answer honestly while admitting that you do not have all of the answers.
2. Be Present, Even When They “Don’t Want to Talk”
Many parents worry when their child won’t share their thoughts or feelings after someone dies. I’ve found that children tend to avoid talking about difficult emotions, so it’s not surprising that they may not open up much. It can be overwhelming for your child if you consistently ask them directly about their thoughts and feelings, which often leads kids to shutting down even more. Simply being near your child as they watch TV, complete homework, or eat meals shows them that you’re here for them when they’re ready to talk.
It’s important to keep your everyday routines in place as much as possible, as this often gives a sense of security and comfort during an uncertain time. It’s not unusual for our days to be impacted after someone dies as we may take some time away from work or school, but it’s helpful to maintain consistency when possible.
3. Invite Children into Memorials and Traditions
After a person dies, it is common for services to be held such as funerals, memorial services, and celebrations of life. Although parents may feel uneasy about bringing their child to these gatherings, they can be really wonderful opportunities for healing.
I typically advise parents to give their child the choice of participating, as this helps children to feel empowered and involved in the process as much as possible. Some children may want to write a note or draw a picture to bring to the service, and others may prefer to observe. Allowing your child to be involved in these practices helps them learn that grief is not something that they have to go through alone.
4. Don’t Hide Your Own Grief
Parents usually want to shield their children from pain by seeming strong and composed; however, it can be really powerful for children to witness you go through the grieving process as well.
Although we don’t want to overwhelm children with our emotions or make them feel responsible for making us feel better, when children see us crying or showing our sadness, they learn that their feelings are normal and acceptable, too. You may even verbalize how you’re feeling by saying, “I am feeling sad today because I really miss them. It’s okay if you’re sad, too.” This really gives your child permission to show their emotions.
5. Be Mindful of Seemingly Unrelated Behaviors
Children show and process grief differently than adults do. Grieving children are likely to become irritable, have trouble sleeping, isolate socially, or have academic troubles. This is often their way of trying to process complicated feelings that they don’t fully understand.
Instead of implementing consequences for “bad behavior”, try to remind yourself that these behaviors are signs that your child needs extra support and patience. If changes persist or cause emotional challenges, it is important to seek professional help.
6. Have Patience
As we know, grief does not have a clear beginning and end. Children may seem fine one moment and distraught the next. It’s also not unusual for grief to pop back up months or years later, especially during milestones like birthdays, holidays, or graduations.
One of your greatest tools as a parent is your patience. Resist the urgency to “fix” their grief or rush them to feel better. Remind yourself that healing takes time, and your presence is helping them work through the challenges under the surface.
7. Seek Professional Support if Challenges Linger
Grief can be extremely difficult to process, and professional support is helpful for many families. I’ve personally found that many children feel more comfortable talking about their grief with me rather than their parents, as they understand that I am not emotionally involved in the way that their parents are. This space allows them to openly share their thoughts, feelings, and questions without worrying about hurting someone’s feelings. After working together, children usually feel more accepting and understanding of their emotions, which allows them to carry on with confidence and assurance.
Grief counseling isn’t just for children, either. I’ve had the privilege of supporting people of all ages through loss. I encourage you to seek professional help if your grief feels too heavy to manage alone. Although parents typically put their needs on the backburner to attend to their children first, your mental well-being directly impacts your child and it’s important you’re coping with your grief as well.
Final Thoughts
Parents often feel helpless when their child is grieving and it’s important to take care of yourself during this challenging time. Remember that you can’t take away your child’s pain, but you can be present with them, show them how to grieve in a healthy manner, and create a loving and supportive environment for them to heal.
If you’re needing additional support, Counseling Unconditionally is here to help. I invite you to submit a form on our website or call us at 502-717-1596 to get started. My team and I are here to care for your family through your grief.
